Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Kickin' it - old school

Like many bisexuals, I would classify myself as obsessive compulsive. Not the "spend two hours cleaning your sink" obsessive compulsive, or the "get restless, run to the mall and run up $400 on your credit card for clothes in a two-hour consumer orgasm" sort of obsessive compulsive. More like the 'near constant self-analyzing' obsessive compulsive.

I watched House last night, and House did a great observation at his boss: (I'm paraphrasing) "Nothing is good enough for you, that is what makes you a good boss. And that is also why you will never be happy." I'm a writer and a journalist. One of my friends said my writing lacked passion and "sex" (however, in my defense, when you're writing a news story on housing, you really can't 'sex it up' for the masses if your sole purpose is to explain a trend in housing). He may have a point, but he's also a creative short story fiction writer.


Because of financial reasons and just general dissatisfaction, I cut Lexapro and therapy - cold turkey. I was fine for two weeks, now, I'm wading through this malaise (yes, it's physical, not mental) and self-loathing. I can barely wake up in the morning. Nothing is exciting me, writing wise. I'm in full retreat mode from my friends. I have a work vacation in two weeks and I know I have to be totally 'on.' That will mark about a month away from Lexapro. I'm hoping that after three weeks, this stuff is officially 'out' of my system (the psychological part still has to be worked on, I know).

But, living without the med (it was a small dose), has caused me to look closer at my behaviors. I so want to get out of Omaha and away from the baggage that is my family. I hate the sprawl of Omaha. I hate the boredom. I hate the conservatism. I also know that it's a neat city, but I believe you have to be away from it to truly 'miss' it. I look at my writing and I do see a lack of passion. I see writings in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times and books by Anthony Bourdain that totally blow my shit out of the water. I know you're not supposed to think this way, but it's easier said than done. Confidence is a thing that you constantly try to wrestle with, especially if you're on the obsessive/compulsive side. When you need it, it's non-existent and when you are in a situation when you need to reel it in and keep yourself humble, it's usually in that situation where your stockpile of confidence is overflowing.


Post a Comment

<< Home