Every time you masturbate, God destroys a job lead

I'm agnostic. But I'm not blind.
Being a proud member of the Quirkyalone team, I am fully aware of the desire to shake hands with the unemployed. Still, I know the Catholic guilt associated with the deed. Not to mention the scarring 'Family Circus' cartoons I viewed when I was growing up - about how dead grandpa and God were watching EVERYTHING Billy and Jeffrey and Dolly did.

But sometimes, the desire is too strong. I cave. And the next morning - I get a call - the job I was the top candidate for - they decided to remove the position due to budget reasons. I did the deed a few weeks ago as I decided how to best use my morning wood. After taking a shower, I get a voice mail, my uncle is in the hospital and near death. I felt like hell - God is punishing me.

I know this is a weird coincidence, but I've got an important job lead coming up. Time to practice some hard-core discipline. I'm not taking any chances with this one...