Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Exiled (in hell) in Guyville

I went to the gym tonight. I found a pill in the back seat of my car. It was a generic version of Claritin, but at that point, I was willing to swallow anything. Alleve, an anti-depressant that may have accidentally dropped in my bookbag - anything ingested in my system would have made me feel better than my second day at my new job. I'm hellishly overwhelmed. And when I came home, I found out my roommate is most likely going to move to Alaska in two months. Eight weeks. Should be enough time to give the apartment a thorough cleaning.

I knew adjusting to a new job was going to be difficult. It's like bracing for a punch. You expect the punch, but that doesn't stop the punch from knocking you to the ground.

I had a chance to move to Oregon in December. I want to say I felt guilty about leaving my roommate high and dry abruptly. But I know that's an out-and-out lie. I didn't/couldn't take the $20,000 pay cut. Now - I would do anything to get that opportunity back. Well, not anything. In a perfect world, I would opt to live in a city that I truly want to move to - and get paid a decent wage. But I don't want to be a dick and leave this new company a few weeks into my employment. Still, I don't want to live another year in Omaha either. Seems that either way, I'm running from something.

Different topic
For guys, it seems that in the gay AND straight community, if you feel the slightest physical attraction or experience the emotion of love for another guy any time in your life, you're dubbed gay. It seems that society is more forgiving for females. Going through the 'lesbian' phase in college is almost as trendy as going through your Cure-listening phase in college. However, for a lot of women, it's just that - a phase. And society, for the most part, doesn't blink an eye when that woman gets married to a guy. Contrast that with guys. If a guy goes through what he considers a 'questioning' time in college, but later marries a woman, it seems that people (who've been let in on the 'guy phase') just wait for the marriage to dissolve, because once you've "gone to the dark side", you never go back. I still don't know why that's the case (or even true). Is the sexual appetite for same-sex male encounters that much more intense than same-sex female encounters? Is it that society deem women's personalities so much more complex than male's that a woman's psyche can handle both a same sex relationship as well as a straight relationship?


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