Saturday, October 04, 2008

What the hell is my blog about anymore?

If I were a freelance blogger - I would be baffled about what exactly this blog has turned into. The original title was and still is 'Exiled in Guyville.' It still is about feeling like an exile in the gay AND straight community in the midwest. But like many reclusive, geeky bisexuals - I'm not a fan of talking about sex - even in the comfortable world of anonymity. It's not like it freaks me out. Hell, I just saw Choke last night and didn't flinch. It was worse than vulgar. It was boring.

But I got tired of writing about near dating experiences - about griping about the gay community in Omaha. I wanted to blog more about stuff I truly cared about - like music, books, politics - life in general. Which is I guess sort of the whole point of the bisexual thing - I really don't want that to be the focal thing that defines me to people.

Hence - the infrequency of the posts. I'm just trying to figure out where to go next. Us bisexuals are a restless bunch. Many of us (myself included) may be intensely monogamous - but restless in the sense of not being satisfied with their current position in life.

One thing I would like to write about is what happened during the debates. I was watching it at one of the bars in Omaha. I struck up a conversation with a guy. An immensely cute, 30-ish, intelligent, somewhat guarded transplant from Denver. It was one of those great conversations where after the debate, both of us instinctively opted to go to a quieter place and continue our conversation for another hour and a half.

There were lots of "can I ask you a question..." "I don't say this to everyone..." type of segways. And absolutely no scripting - e.g. ice breakers you use - you know they are lines - but you almost have to use them if absolutely no conversation is flowing but you want to get to know this person better - so you're forced to use them - just to keep the conversation flowing and keep him/her interested (see "so...what are you studying?" "where do you work?" "how long have you lived in Omaha?").

I couldn't stop looking into his eyes - it was then I knew I was in trouble. I've been single for about a year and have gone on about 3 dates in that year. Now I find someone I've clicked with - to me - almost on a magnetic level. We're having coffee tomorrow. I know he got to me when certain songs - both edgy and corny started to run through my head and take on another meaning entirely (such as Bonnie Raitt's "Feeling of Falling" and The Replacements' "Valentine" - from Rhino's reissue of Pleased to Meet Me). I praise this development in my life because it comes at a time where music - no matter how good - just wasn't having an impact for me. It was just background material to the soundtrack of a guy who was frustrated at gaining 30 pounds over the year partly due to a back injury, partly due to overwork. Then, suddenly - you have certain feelings reawakened - and music starts to actually have an impact again. You start to relate to the artist - what Jarvis Cocker was thinking when he wrote "Sylvia" or what Lucinda Williams was going through when she wrote "Essence."

But the guarded part of me is starting to appear - just in time. I keep reminding myself I haven't even gone out on a date with this guy. I still have to go through the coffee meeting - the preseason of dating. Having coffee is a cheap way of determining whether or not a person is worthy of an actual date - where dressing up and money is invested in a person. I keep thinking of PJ Harvey. Will the next week put me in the Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea mood, where a person known for singing about heartbreak finds love in a new setting, but doesn't sacrifice much of what made her PJ Harvey? Or will a series of "I don't want to tie myself down" and "Well, you have my email..." put me in a Rid of Me or To Bring You My Love mood?

Gay, straight, bisexual - every single folk out there will hopefully have that one initial spark with someone - who within 30 minutes of conversation - you could just see yourself with them - maybe not your entire life - but definitely for a long time. And at the same time, knowing the terrible fear of plunging off the deep end to someone who may not be recripocating those feelings. But you have to find out. So - here goes the biggest challenge - putting all of that shit aside and getting that exact person to have dinner with you.

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